


The Pet that Ate Budapest

by completelyhopeless



Series: Coulson's pet 0-8-4 [1]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Pre-Canon, coulson names an 0-8-4 bucky, coulson's pet is a captain america fan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-24
Updated: 2014-11-24
Packaged: 2018-02-26 20:32:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2665424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/completelyhopeless/pseuds/completelyhopeless
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Well, it <em>tried</em> to eat Budapest. It was doing it to help Phil. It likes Phil. And Captain America, but that's another story.</p><p>Or, the story of how Phil got the pet from "The Deceptive Nature of Suits."</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Pet that Ate Budapest

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lackam](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lackam/gifts).
  * Inspired by [The Deceptive Nature of Suits](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2658767) by [completelyhopeless](https://archiveofourown.org/users/completelyhopeless/pseuds/completelyhopeless). 



> This is pure crack. Well, okay, it lost the crack feel of Deceptive Nature of Suits on me a few times, but it's still crack.
> 
> You can see why I chose angora rabbits as the closest thing to what the 0-8-4 is here with the pictures in [this article.](http://amazingfunpics.blogspot.com/2011/09/strange-animals-most-in-need-of-haircut.html)
> 
> Someone said they wanted to see the story of how Coulson got the pet, and I found a picture of a fur ball and decided it was named Bucky.
> 
> If that warning doesn't stop you, read on.

* * *

“Come on, Coulson,” Agent Eastman said, leaning in the doorway. “We have a mission.”

Phil nodded, adjusting his tie one more time before following the other agent into the hall. He didn't know if he was going to be paired with Garrett or Hand for this, or if they would settle on a specific partner for a change. He seemed to be passed around like a bad penny. They said it was because he was so laid-back everyone got along with him, but he knew others who would say it was because his Captain America obsession annoyed people so much they never wanted to work with him again. He didn't mind because he liked meeting new people and he would never be tired of sharing or ashamed of his collection.

“What is the mission, sir?”

“An 0-8-4,” Eastman explained. He was never big on giving details and very fond of the need to know. Coulson thought they'd gotten him out of a unit that did black ops for the CIA or the CIA itself, but no one ever said. “We're to pick it up and bring it back to S.H.I.E.L.D. for containment.”

“Containment?”

“This thing is dangerous. Don't be fooled by appearances, kid. Never underestimate something because it seems harmless.”

“I already know that, sir.”

Eastman looked at him, and for a moment, Coulson thought his CO knew it all—about the drinking game and the prank war that he'd just started with a few of the cadets. “Yes, I suppose you do at that, don't you, Monopoly?”

“I told you—I'm not always the banker in that game and just because I wear a suit doesn't—”

“Would you rather be Daddy Warbucks?”

Phil shook his head. “I'm not rich. And I have hair.”

Eastman smiled. “Not for much longer.”

Phil ran a hand over his head, thought about his father, and glared at the senior agent as he walked away, thinking of dozens of revenge scenarios that he would never use. Then again, if he had to work with Eastman for much longer, he just might.

* * *

“Sir,” Coulson began, staring at the creature in front of them. He could not see eyes. He saw fur, a lot of fur, and it was white now but he swore it had been darker when he walked in the room. He couldn't see any legs or ears, but it might have a nose. “What is that? Someone's pet?”

“Don't be stupid. That's the 0-8-4,” Eastman answered. “Stay with it, Coulson. I'm going to go look for the agents that were supposed to be keeping watch on that thing.”

“Sir, with respect, I don't that's an 0-8-4. It looks... Well, it might be a bit ugly, but I'd say it was an angora rabbit,” Phil said, remembering pictures he'd seen in encyclopedias and other places. “Not a threat.”

Eastman shook his head. “Haven't you ever seen _Monty Python?”_

“Yes,” Phil answered immediately, “but I didn't think you had.”

“Appearances,” Eastman reminded him, checking his gun. He shook his head. “Be more than the suit, Monopoly. Think for yourself. Be smart. Don't let that thing fool you. It's dangerous.”

Phil doubted that, but he stayed behind to watch the rabbit, figuring that this was punishment for the prank war. Or because Eastman just plain hated him. He turned to the ball of fluff. “Did you ever hear of Captain America?”

* * *

Two hours later, fluff was in his lap, making a noise that sounded a lot like a purr, and he had covered the first few issues of the old comic books. He had them memorized after reading them as many times as he had, but for once, he had a captive audience. Fluffy liked his Captain America stories.

Fluffy liked them a lot.

“I can call you Fluffy, right?”

The purring noise stopped. Coulson took that as a no. “Furry? Snowball? Blizzard—your fur just changed colors. I take it you don't want it to be anything based on you being white. Let's try something else. You want to be one of the Howling Commandos?”

The purr came back. Phil grinned. This was great. He was taking this rabbit home with him when the mission was over.

* * *

“You don't listen to a word I say, do you?”

Coulson opened his eyes, blinking in confusion. He sat up, dislodging his furry friend and getting a short growl from the fur ball. “Sir?”

“You _do_ realize that thing _ate_ the agents that were watching it before, don't you?”

“Sir, it's harmless. I've held it for hours. It hasn't so much as scratched me. I can't even find its mouth. You had a great run with this prank. It's better than anything I could have come up with. Still, I'm not scared. Bucky and I had a great time, and I think I'll keep him, so we can go now.”

Eastman stared at him. “You named the 0-8-4?”

Phil shrugged. “He liked it when I told him stories about Captain America. I think he liked Bucky more, though. He did pick the name.”

“That thing talks?”

“It growls and purrs.”

“And that didn't tell you it wasn't a rabbit and this wasn't a prank?”

Phil supposed it should have, but everything he'd seen so far convinced him that Bucky was harmless. Bucky liked him. He was going to keep him. “He'll be fine as long as he's with me.”

“Fine,” Eastman said in the way that made it sound like he'd just cussed out a platoon of marines or something. “Just keep that thing away from me.”

* * *

S.H.I.E.L.D. took Bucky and put him in a cage.

Naturally, this did not sit well with Phil. He had to do something to get Bucky free because nothing furry belonged in a cage.

So Phil came up with a plan. He had already escalated the prank war to dangerous levels before he heard they were never letting him see Bucky again, and he felt he could use that to his advantage. He set everything in motion, the plan was going perfectly, and everything seemed fine.

Phil had no idea how the actual destruction of the S.H.I.E.L.D New York happened. He was petting Bucky one minute, unconscious the next. The rescue workers made some snide comments about his attachment to his bunny rabbit that he ignored as he tried to keep Bucky calm. Whatever happened had upset Bucky, and the poor thing just kept shaking.

He took Bucky home, but his landlord said no pets. While Phil was trying to make other arrangements or find a new place to live, Bucky claimed a plush Captain America for himself and refused to let Phil have it back. One day he found the plush in the hall and thought Bucky must have gotten out. He went to apologize to his landlord, but would have moved, but the man must have moved. Phil never saw him again.

* * *

Phil had been on one mission after another after Barton recruited Romanoff. They were his responsibility, and unlike Bucky, they were far from easy to keep under control. Bucky was tame. Those two... Phil shuddered at the thought. No one would ever control them.

In retrospect, he should have known that Bucky would come looking for him. He hadn't been home in long enough to where Bucky would be missing stories of the cap and would worry about him, and he had come looking for Phil in the past when he was gone for too long.

Phil just never thought Bucky would make it to Europe.

* * *

Barton and Romanoff remember Budapest differently.

Barton remembers a ball of fluff that he almost hit with an arrow until he realized he was concussed, and he sometimes heard Coulson's voice in his head telling him not to shoot. He blamed that on the concussion.

Romanoff was too busy fighting to notice any kind of ball of fluff. She did remember something white when she was about to pass out, but then it was black and then red and blue and then black again. She was aware that something had gotten the enemy off her and Barton when they were wounded and surrounded, but she always figured that was a S.H.I.E.L.D. extraction team Coulson called in. Other times she figured it was just one of Clint's special arrows. She never had the best of memory in the first place, so she wouldn't know if there was an 0-8-4 there or not.

Phil let everyone believe that there wasn't, but personally he felt rather guilty, since his pet had somehow destroyed a good part of a historic city.

* * *

Bucky had indigestion for almost a year after Budapest. He stayed home with his Captain America plush and slept most of the time, especially if Phil was there to read him stories. Phil watched and worried and fussed, but his pet seemed to be fine.

Budapest wasn't, but the damage to the monuments was mostly superficial. The more modern buildings could be rebuilt, and the casualties had been criminals, and so Phil figured it was all right in the end.

* * *

“Just promise me you won't escape again,” Phil told his favorite fur ball after he finished his comic. “I can't afford the clean up bills.”

He wasn't sure if that noise was a growl or a purr or something else, but he didn't think it was any kind of promise to stay out of trouble.

“What, Barton and Romanoff aren't enough? I have to worry about you, too?”

 _That_ noise was much more like a purr.

**Author's Note:**

> Please, do not ask me for a fic where 0-8-4Bucky meets Loki. I am really trying not to write that. Or a fic where it meets Captain America.


End file.
